I talked with some friends today
death still fresh and newly experienced
new wounds bringing out old scars in all of us.
fresh ways for tears to fall.
She said there is a stage where you try bargaining.
If I had done this, I could have done that…
she said it’s the hardest stage to get past.
Just over a year now, but still fresh in my mind
have I gotten past
the “should have done” lines?
if only I’d been there
if I were that strong
to just put my foot down
instead of my tongue
What if I had listened
and heard the real meaning
of the words that I heard them all back and forth screaming
Why wasn’t I there, where I was most needed
instead I was hiding
from hard to deal with feelings
What if I had done, at least half what I wanted?
would he still be here? these thoughts leave me haunted.
I want to tell the story
because he was my father
I want to think of what that meant to him
this man I left behind.