Listening to dance music in the middle of the night.

 I helped a friend do something she needed done. It was a favor for a friend so I didn’t even think twice about doing it. The response we got in the span of 4 hours was amazing. It taught me something really valuable. I have been holding back from doing these same things for myself out of fear that I still need to practice writing and putting content together. Today, I proved myself wrong. It felt good.

It made me think of this show that I am binge watching with my kids right now, where one of the characters said that we are all faking it until we figure out what we are doing. I have always battled with feeling like I am never really going to be good enough.

I am not a perfect writer, and even though it’s a big goal of mine to become a better writer, I need to stop thinking I can’t try reaching out and doing something simply because I haven’t reached the standard I have set for myself. I need to just jump jack, and trust that I will figure it out along the way.

So my goal right now has been tipped and turned a little. My new, improved immediate goal is clear. I need to work hard and be humble. If I am not perfect, then I am not, and that’s okay.

When I was younger I was filled with a crazy, passionate energy. I felt like I could do anything, and it had nothing to do with my skills. Everything I have done in my life was because I didn’t think too much about what I was doing. I would see something that I thought looked fun and just dive right in. Looking back, every single one of those experiences were the best. They were the ones I learned the most from. I have learned so much, I have grown so much, I have become an even better version of myself. That’s one of the greatest byproducts of living, if we do it right, we will only get better and better. There was a TED talk, where a guy made a calendar that represented all the weeks of a typical person’s life. The only thing I am missing between my younger self and now are a few weeks on that calendar  so that means it’s time to get to work.




Every Day Adulting

I am trying to work on a personal journey and it’s brought up so many questions.  The first one is: What have I done with my life?

I feel like I have a little bit of experience and a ton of interest in all the things I want to do, love to do! What is wrong with me? Okay, loaded question. What is wrong is plain to me. I look at it in the mirror every morning. I have to admit that I got derailed, very early on. *ahem, at 16 to be exact.

I met this cute guy, over twenty years ago. we totally got married and had three kids, by the way. I did this really quickly too. I had just turned 20 when I had my first daughter. Naturally I got really consumed by the adventures I was in. Instead of pursuing the things I had originally intended, I ended up learning everything I could about child development.

The thing is, I have been rethinking my strategy, I would really love to get back to writing and art related things. My oldest daughter is 16 now, and the other two are officially old enough to make their own food if they get hungry. That may seem like an odd milestone to base things off of, but trust me, it’s not. As a mother 75 percent of my daily interruptions have come from food related needs. It may sound crazy, but all mothers out there, you know exactly what I am talking about.

But I digress. well, no, no I didn’t. That’s what I have been doing with my life. I just think it’s time for a change. I guess I am realizing that I need to do something to continue to be a good influence and example to my children.

I will post the other questions as a series.



LIfe in motivation

I love looking through pinterest posts and imagine what life could be like in those shoes. I love going onto Etsy and reading how others have gotten their start at doing something they love. I love whenever I can run out to take care of some errands and go at my own slow and steady pace, watching the world around me as it carries on. 

  It’s interesting, these interconnected stories that go along with each moment. How many of them realized where they would be right now, had they thought about it a year ago, five years ago. No matter how much you plan or how much control you think you have, if you only stop for a moment you tend to notice, there really is no such thing. Really living means that you make the choices that fit with who you are. That you create goals and ideas and try to live by them, to stand up for their importance when others try to knock them down. But that’s all it is, there is no guarantee. We are not able to walk this path perfectly, and there is a good reason why we do not. We cannot create the outcome, but we should embrace the journey as we get there. Fill it with what makes you able to sleep at night, and what makes you eager to get up and start another day.

   Sometimes opportunity comes knocking but you hide behind the curtain and don’t answer the door because you have the wrong idea about how it got there, or what it will mean for you, but if you open up your mind a little and listen, you will hear something worth hearing. I am almost sure of it. Image

In my head…

I know what I want. To live somewhere where I can be outside, where the town is small enough to be connected but big enough to be open minded and curious about the world around it. I would love to own the land and the home on it,  though more land than home is my goal. I want to live as simply as possible,  using all we have to the fullest and not having things just to take them for granted.

The place where I live now makes all this feel almost impossible. This morning however, I asked myself; Why couldn’t I try to challenge myself? after all, I went to the local outdoor market a couple of weeks ago and was pleasantly surprised by all the people I found who live comfortable within some niches that I really didn’t think could exist around here.

So, yes, perhaps it would be a challenge but why not try to just be myself in this place. Even though that puts me a little out of place with all the other things that are around here I could wing it, and who knows, if nothing else I will be happier and in the long run, perhaps my joy could rub off on others. industrial-jan2013

The Winding Tree

A seed comes forth and falls to the floor,

the process of life we’ve all seen before.

out pops a stem, a tiny leaf,

up grows the shoot, forming a tree.

With beginnings so fragile, it aims for the sun

it drinks in the warmth, the shadows, it shuns.

with each passing day, and through all the seasons

this tree gives forth effort, nature unbeaten.

days to weeks, months to years

Giving its shade or the sweet song of the leaves as they shiver.

twisting and turning, roots ever reaching

climbing, never stopping, its soft canopy increasing.

the bark is all twisted, and gnarled with time

it has been through carvings, and climbings, many hide and seek findings,

seen lovers and haters and history in the making.

silently observing, still ever reaching;

that bark is old and twisted, gnarled with time,

that bark is like mine.

thick skinned through experience but still so full of life;

so much more to live through, so much more to see

it’s the journey in the making.

that’s why I call it The Winding Tree.

What if…

It was dark, the air was thick, mostly with the foggy snoring of my three kids in the back, and even though I was exhausted, I couldn’t stop thinking. In the Bible, in John 5:28 and 29 it says that there will be a resurrection. How interesting if all those people who are considered the great thinkers of their time were to get resurrected and happen to meet up together and learn something new. imagine it. In my mind, it looks really amazing.



I talked with some friends today

death still fresh and newly experienced

new wounds bringing out old scars in all of us.

fresh ways for tears to fall.

She said there is a stage where you try bargaining.

If I had done this, I could have done that…

she said it’s the hardest stage to get past.

Just over a year now, but still fresh in my mind

have I gotten past

the “should have done” lines?

if only I’d been there

if I were that strong

to just put my foot down

instead of my tongue

What if I had listened

and heard the real meaning

of the words that I heard them all back and forth screaming

Why wasn’t I there, where I was most needed

instead I was hiding

from hard to deal with feelings

What if I had done, at least half what I wanted?

would he still be here? these thoughts leave me haunted.

I want to tell the story

because he was my father

I want to think of what that meant to him

this man I left behind.