its all in your head. no wait, my head.

I always have amazing thoughts when I don’t have any way to write them down. driving down the road, washing my hair or at two in the morning when the pen and paper is…just…too…far…away. I seriously believe that’s the point of their coming. My brain, at those moments isn’t cluttered by the crazy that is there at other times. That’s when the good thoughts timidly come forward, like little orphaned children searching for an opportunity to be heard.
I may not have written down that amazing thought, but it is still a personal feeling of inspiration and motivation. After all, it means good thoughts are in there. It means that if I can learn how to give them a chance, a little sunshine and breathing room, they will come out into the light and grow into amazing realities; and who doesn’t l like amazing realities?

The Winding Tree

A seed comes forth and falls to the floor,

the process of life we’ve all seen before.

out pops a stem, a tiny leaf,

up grows the shoot, forming a tree.

With beginnings so fragile, it aims for the sun

it drinks in the warmth, the shadows, it shuns.

with each passing day, and through all the seasons

this tree gives forth effort, nature unbeaten.

days to weeks, months to years

Giving its shade or the sweet song of the leaves as they shiver.

twisting and turning, roots ever reaching

climbing, never stopping, its soft canopy increasing.

the bark is all twisted, and gnarled with time

it has been through carvings, and climbings, many hide and seek findings,

seen lovers and haters and history in the making.

silently observing, still ever reaching;

that bark is old and twisted, gnarled with time,

that bark is like mine.

thick skinned through experience but still so full of life;

so much more to live through, so much more to see

it’s the journey in the making.

that’s why I call it The Winding Tree.

Art is universal.

I Am Part of a Village…

I have a friend who has started to work with me and it was interesting because she said that the reason that she didn’t homeschool her kids right now, despite her frustration with so many things in the public school system in our area, is that she wants to make sure that a professional is there to teach them their basic foundations and that it would help her not fail in teaching them later. I was struck by that comment because a lot of parents feel that way; that they are not qualified to teach their children, that they don’t have the time or the resources or the ability to handle all the situations presented in a home-schooled setting.

How prevalent is this thought? I have heard it before, have had that nagging fear myself and even gave in to outside criticism and enrolled my daughter in public school for a short time. That did it for me. I realized as I was dropping her off one day that these people don’t have my daughter’s specific needs in mind. They didn’t advocate her creativity or individual thinking. They didn’t have the time to slow down and work through the details of a tough lesson with her and they certainly didn’t discipline her the way I did or even understand her little quirks. What was I thinking? What is my friend thinking? What are we all thinking when we say that the reason we put our children in public school is because we don’t feel qualified to teach them?

I did not go to school to teach my daughter how to crawl, walk or listen to stories at bedtime, there were not special classes on how to bathe her or deal with the naughty moments that she had. I did have a resource infinitely better, other moms, my grandmother, community resources were there but it was that support group of people who were around my daughter and I from day one that could really give me the confidence to know that I loved my baby too much to fail at being her mother. We took on challenge after challenge and as each new child came along, they were not the same, so while there was much that was learned on the fly, I had the confidence of knowing I wanted what mattered most, the BEST for my kids.

No one who wants to home-school and can really look at their priorities and life circumstances and see that it is possible should hold back simply because they are afraid of failure. There is no such thing as failure. If you don’t believe me, Google the life of Einstein. That is just one example of someone who was great, not because of a proper education, it was because he had the best advocate of all; his mom, family, friends and probably that little circle of friends his mom could turn to for advice on tricky issues. You are your children’s best teacher, what you don’t realize is that you will want to help them learn what they are interested in. You will want to help them achieve their own personal greatness and you will devour what information you need to make that happen. If anything you will be a greater example because you will not only be a great teacher, but an excellent example of a determined learner. That’s a win-win if you ask me.

What if…

It was dark, the air was thick, mostly with the foggy snoring of my three kids in the back, and even though I was exhausted, I couldn’t stop thinking. In the Bible, in John 5:28 and 29 it says that there will be a resurrection. How interesting if all those people who are considered the great thinkers of their time were to get resurrected and happen to meet up together and learn something new. imagine it. In my mind, it looks really amazing.

 

Unheard of.

Can a person’s own random thoughts be worth anything? I think that is a question worth analyzing. How much of the population thinks their thoughts don’t matter? How much has proven these thoughts do matter? Where would we be without that random thought that created a great invention that we use every day? How many amazing things have been lost because a person grew up with the mistaken mentality that what they are curious about doesn’t really matter? Why have we let down so many minds and yet it is decreed that humans are intelligent, advanced… Should we be ashamed as a whole, if we are, as humans, not fundamentally interested in the well being of those around us. Or worse yet, if we actively participate in the killing of imaginations, of visionaries, of voices… especially when we do so because it looks out for personal interests.

Are our thoughts worth something? and sometimes, is it more than we ever even dreamed?

Bargaining

I talked with some friends today

death still fresh and newly experienced

new wounds bringing out old scars in all of us.

fresh ways for tears to fall.

She said there is a stage where you try bargaining.

If I had done this, I could have done that…

she said it’s the hardest stage to get past.

Just over a year now, but still fresh in my mind

have I gotten past

the “should have done” lines?

if only I’d been there

if I were that strong

to just put my foot down

instead of my tongue

What if I had listened

and heard the real meaning

of the words that I heard them all back and forth screaming

Why wasn’t I there, where I was most needed

instead I was hiding

from hard to deal with feelings

What if I had done, at least half what I wanted?

would he still be here? these thoughts leave me haunted.

I want to tell the story

because he was my father

I want to think of what that meant to him

this man I left behind.